What to Expect When You’re Expecting Trump

What to Expect When You’re Expecting Trump

So you just found out you could be having a Trump Presidency. Congratulations!

For many first time Trumpers this can be a time of high anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. You are not alone! 4 years is a long term to wander through blindly. Here is a little primer to help you prepare for some of the choices ahead, and, give you a glimpse of what you can expect when expecting a President Donald.

 



Baby Faced

FIRST 100 DAYS

 

The first hundred days will be filled with a great deal of attention for your Trump. Your Trump will be basking in the limelight of his first earned Executive Office, and reveling in the demand for his attention. Jingling the keys to the White House in front of Trump will keep him from getting fussy during the many requests for photos of this newly birthed Presidency.

Your President During This Time:

A Trump does not play well with others. Expect him to spend this time avoiding the Republican Congress as a way of punishing them for withholding support for him during the Primaries/Convention/General Election.

The Republican establishment, filled with Executives intimately familiar with abusing the status of a position with a larger office to condescend to employees, will chafe at the idea of servicing Trump’s wrinkled ego. They’ll “try” to work with him.

While the “Conservative Elite” resisted working against Trump during the election, they won’t be able to bring themselves to lie when it comes to voting with their money. The stock market will start to plummet soon after his victory is confirmed.

What You Can Do Prepare:

Sell any stocks you may have the minute Trump is elected President. This will protect you from the worst of the market’s losses. Put this money into a solid and worthwhile investment, like canned foods. (We recommend something with a long shelf life)

How You’ll Look:

If you’re prone to stress-eating this could be a phase during which you put on some “winter weight.” Do not fret! A higher calorie intake will come in handy.

If you’re not prone to stress-eating this would be a good time to start.

What You May Be Feeling:

Physically: Nausea

Emotionally: A general feeling of unease.



The Growth Spurt

6 MONTHS

 

This teething period will be the biggest period of activity for your Trump. While he may still find the attention of strangers rewarding, having his entire day filled with duties, a overly vigilant security entourage, and a constant demand for his opinion will have begun to wear thin. Expect your Trump to be cranky.

You may find a demand for your Trump to travel, especially overseas to meet dignitaries, but, in his underdeveloped state, we must caution against exposure to foreign destinations for this President.

Your President During This Time:

The Republican Congress will take to treating Trump as the nepotistic co-worker whose only contribution has been buffing up the office’s porn filters. They will try to get the work of Congress done despite him.

Your Trump will probably consider any bills sent to him without his input as a challenge to his authority. In an effort to assert control, Trump will pivot to the the promise made to the base that elected him and put at the top of his agenda the campaign promise to build a wall between the US and Mexico.

“THE WALL” plan will end up on the agenda, but behind closed doors a demand is made for an extension of Bush Tax Cuts, and social welfare reforms. Trump will get fussy when it comes to Social Security and Medicare, but accepts adjustments to Un-Employment Insurance. Both groups sign off, and Trump will trumpet this as one of his “accomplishments.”

As work begins on crafting a plan for the border fence it will become clear that without the option of illegal labor the cost of constructing “THE WALL” will be astronomical. This will translate to investors as a massive government infrastructure investment/stimulus, and, coupled with the tax cuts, will cause the markets to stabilize.

Meanwhile, be wary that your Trump doesn’t tire of being allies with other megalomaniacs as he will be spending a lot of time with them. An off hand dig at a iron-curtain faced leader could have long term negative results.

Especially if it’s Putin, whose cold smile was earned ending lives with his bare hands. He may calmly brushes these comments off, but expect him to work covertly to manipulate your nation’s energy prices by raising the cost of oil, and further destabilize your economy by nudging China into flooding the market with American Treasury Bonds.

Employment will stall, but the economy will appear to be taking no other losses. People aren’t “worse off,” the standard by which Trump’s Presidency is measured, so there are no riots in the streets.

What You Can Do Prepare:

Stockpile firewood and batteries. Winter is coming.

How You’ll Look:

Stress lines will have started taking up permanent residence.

What You May Be Feeling:

Physically: Weary.

Emotionally: Reminiscent of a time when the “The Apprentice” was a TV show, and not the nickname for your candidates handling of the Presidency.

 



A State of Unions Addressed

UNO AÑOS

 

Your President is now a year old! This is an exciting time where you can expect Trump’s first words for the nation. There will be many special moments, and you should be prepared to capture them. We recommend taking up charcoal painting as it will be most economical in the time ahead.

Your President During This Time:

The forecasted cost of “THE WALL” has ballooned the projected budget deficit, and many Conservatives in Congress will refuse to sign off on the project. Border state governors will consider this a betrayal of the promises made to their citizens during the campaign. There will be a lot of crying and screaming.

The financial market will consider these tantrums as the death knell of “THE WALL” stimulus. The market will once again start to drop.

Meanwhile, Putin’s vengeful statecraft will have lead to increased gas prices, and a drop in the value of the dollar. The cost for goods will go up. Consumer confidence will go down. Purchasing of durable goods slip. The lack of sales and increasing costs of distribution will force businesses to project under performing quarters.

Large institution, forced to tap dance to appear prepared for a complete market failure, announce “right-sizing” layoffs. Un-employment will rise, but, with the previously adopted social welfare reforms including adjusted Federal UI lending rates, a massive projected deficit appears for State leaders.

Fearing their own fiscal crisis, State governments will respond by making un-employment insurance requirements more stringent, to “fight fraud,” but will only succeed in disqualifying already embattled citizens.

This desperate mix will drive down wages, and consumer confidence/spending will take an even harder hit.

What You Can Do Prepare:

Purchase any durable goods made outside of America before this period (big screens are about to get expensive). Did you listen and stockpile firewood? Now is the time to start burning it.

How You’ll Look:

Depending on your fiscal situation you’ll be spending a varying amount of time surviving on that stored winter fat, or rationing canned foods, so generally slimmer.

What You May Be Feeling:

Physically: Hungry.

Emotionally: A rapidly building sense of uncertain horror.

 



Fires Spotted Across Rome

2 YEARS

 

This can be the hardest time for a first time elected official, the “terrible twos.” During this period your Trump will test boundaries, break rules, and try to deflect blame. Oftentimes to imaginary villains like “establishment obstructionism.” Take to holding a firm hand of discipline.

Your President During This Time:

Having broken the toys of the economy, diplomacy, and mired in a recession, Trump will throw many angry tirades.

Republicans will be unwilling to take the blame for Trump’s behavior, and may take to name calling, starting with teasing him as a failed President.

There is little you can do protect your Trump from this bullying, and, with the moody ego of a middle schooler, your Trump may declare that he “doesn’t need the Republican party, they need me!” and then rescind his Republican membership.

Republicans will rejoice.

There is a good chance the historically impeachment happy Conservative Congress will seize this opportunity and find a reason to investigate Trump misdeeds.

The uncertainty in the leadership will do nothing to help the economic situation, and more people will find themselves without work. Economists will declare the country has officially entered a depression.

What You Can Do Prepare:

If you have the means, take an “extended” vacation overseas. If not, start scoping out big box stores for rioting opportunities.

How You’ll Look:

Super model slim will no longer be a compliment.

What You May Be Feeling:

Physically: “Hallucinations of people morphing into chicken-wings”-ravenous .

Emotionally: Borderline desparation.

 



Impeached

2-ISH YEARS

 

Your Trump is now out of house! No more scribbling on the walls, or unintelligible wailing heard down the halls. Before you break out the champagne and start to celebrate we urge you to be wary of “empty nest” syndrome. The Republicans will be suffering from it fiercely and, looking to fill the loud vacuous void left behind by Donald, they’ll fall quickly in love with a quiet vacuous hole, his constitutional successor, VP Mike Pence.

Your President During This Time:

Now President, Pence will announce that the time has come for Washington to get back to the business of taking care of the country and he will start by leading a prayer circle in the Oval Office. Republicans will undoubtedly be pleased to have the bonafide Conservative leading their party.

Expect your congress to enact several quick reforms: more tax cuts; large spending on military programs; Fed UI lending at lower rates, and a return of prayer in public schools (“Where America went wrong in the first place”).

These reforms should show some small confidence in the new leadership and pick up the markets, but don’t expect it to last long. People will still be lined up at Un-employment offices for benefits where the state’s higher standards will still deny them (to “fight fraud!”), and the stimulus will arrive too slow to effect any meaningful pick up in consumer spending.

The recovery efforts will fail.

Soon the urban landscapes will be dotted with camps where large impoverished groups refer to their single occupancy tents as “home.” It will not be long before these camps will be nicknamed “Penancevilles.” (**pick a “Penanceville” t-shirt up from our store now! Made from thick Bangladesh cotton and great for burning to keep warm.)

Conversely suburbs will be littered with the burnt remains of foreclosed houses set ablaze to keep their former residents warm through a second long winter.

What You Can Do Prepare:

Invest in warm grey and black clothing options (complimentary colors for ash).

How You’ll Look:

Depression era sooty faced and defeated.

What You May Be Feeling:

Physically: Cold.

Emotionally: Impotent Rage.

 



U.S.-S.R.

YEAR FOUR

 

Russia seizes on the instability in the States to launch an attack via Alaska. Palin is last seen in a Periscope video on her tour bus on a run across Canada reminding everyone she tried to warn us that Russians needed to kept straight on the other side of the Strait.

Your President During This Time:

The occupied US devolves into a series of renegade factions all battling to repel the foreign invader, and people who voted Trump into office will get the opportunity to live out the fantasy of surviving “Red Dawn” since seeing Patrick Swayze take the screen as a Wolverine in the 80s.

There will not be many happy memories from this time.

Eventually Russia is exorcised from the states, and a new government is formed. Elected to lead this government is an unlikely politician turned war-time general/hero, Rand Paul.

What You Can Do Prepare:

Sign up for survivalist camps, take Russian language training, and practice standing in lines for distributed goods.

How You’ll Look:

Haggard third world chic.

What You May Be Feeling:

Physically: Like a rusty tire iron.

Emotionally: Maybe there is a god, and you have been delivered from a grim Soviet future.

 



 

There are a lot of things to consider when deciding to bring your Trump to term. We hope this primer gives you a little insight into the experience ahead, and helps you prepare for the journey of having a President Donald.

Udachi!